SONGS ALPHABETIZED

SONGS SHOW-BY-SHOW

Be The Way You Used To Be

Born On A Bike

Break My Heart (play) (sheet)

Call A Cop

Crazy World We're Living In

Dear President Wilson

Devil-May-Care (play) (sheet)

Don't Get Killed

Don't Give Me A Song & Dance (sheet)

Don't Make Me Go Back To My Man (sheet)

Don't Touch Me

Everyone Worth Taking (play) (sheet)

Girl Can't Make A Living Anymore, A

Give My Best To The Blonde (sheet)

How Come It's Never In The Papers

I Can Be An Icon Too (play) (sheet)

I Guess I'll Have To Go Back To My Men (play) (sheet)

I Told You All Along (play) (sheet)

I Want A Great Big Beautiful Blonde (sheet)

I Was Afraid To Ask

I Wish I Were A Kid Again/
You've Got To Be Kidding (sheet)

I Wound Up A Toy

I'd Like To Examine You Further

I'd Love To Love Someone (play) (sheet)

I'll Never Get Over You (sheet)

I'm A Bitch (play) (sheet)

I'm Of Two Minds

I'm The Queen And You're Not (play) (sheet)

I'm Your Bitch

I'm Your New Mama Now (play) (sheet)

I've Got Stock In You

Is There A Man In The House? (sheet)

It's Not My Idea Of A Gig (sheet)

Let's Be American Today

Let's Do The Apocalypso

Let's Not

Liberty Jitterbug, The

Lover After Me, The (play) (sheet)

Magic's Gone, The

Meet The Greatest Actress In The World

Moth Heart Song, The

Natalie

No One's Checking Me Out

No, I'm The Top (The Schizo Song) (sheet)

Not Necessarily In That Order

Notes From Underground

Oh No, No Net!

One In A Million

Party Girl (play) (sheet)

Pour Me A Man (play) (sheet)

Santa Won't Sell (play) (sheet)

Second-Greatest Show On Earth, The

Send In The Clones

Since It's Half As Good As They Say, I Want Twice As Much As I've Got (sheet)

Star Quality

Sticking Together

Stir-Crazy

Streets Of New York, The

Suffocated Lady (play) (sheet)

T.V. Love

Take Me, Please

There's A String Tied To A Good Time (play) (sheet)

Thousand Clones, A

Too Many To Love

Trying To Remember (sheet)

V.D. Telethon Song

Welcome To The Theatre (I+II) (sheet)

Yesterday's Tomorrow Is Today's Today

You Don't Have To Have Me

You're Quite A Specimen

You're The Woman I'd Wanna Be

Not Necessarily In That Order

Sticking Together

The Streets Of New York

Trying To Remember (sheet)

Don't Get Killed

No One's Checking Me Out

How Come It's Never In The Papers

Crazy World We're Living In

The V.D. Telethon Song

ANNOTATED SONGLIST

(ALL MUSIC AND LYRICS BY FRED BARTON EXCEPT AS NOTED)

BE THE WAY YOU USED TO BE (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990)
A haunting, ragtime-flavored opening number in which one Svengali wishes he could reverse the damage.

 
BORN ON A BIKE (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983)
Miss Gulch relates how she didn't become a bitter also-ran overnight; any resemblance to Roger Edens' and Leonard Gershe's "Born On A Trunk" is strictly intentional. Recorded by FAB on the MISS GULCH RETURNS CD.

 
BREAK MY HEART (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
The crown jewel of THE TWO SVENGALIS. A bitterly ironic, Machiavellian, comic ballad, and "the ultimate song of seduction" -- introduced and recorded (unreleased) by Toni DiBuono.

 
CALL A COP (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
"We've got a little motto at the police station: go out and arrest criminals, bring 'em to the station, and put 'em in jail" -- song cue. Borowitz's lyric describes a police force so zealous, they arrest a symphony orchestra for carrying machine-gun cases in the shape of string instruments. This prophetic Kurt Weill-esque peculiarity predated by 12 years my halcyon days in LA when I was nearly clubbed to the ground in a 1991 anti-gay police riot in front of that notorious nest of anti-government unrest, the Shubert Theatre.

 
CRAZY WORLD WE'RE LIVING IN (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
Written at Harvard for the never-performed sequel to the original (and ultimate) showbiz revue, NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER. It satirized the blasé reception of the intelligentsia to world catastrophe, such as the invasion of Vietnam by China, which had just occurred (you young 'uns don't even remember, and neither does anyone else).

 
DEAR PRESIDENT WILSON (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
We were terribly sophisticated undergrads -- when we got bored with parody, we parodied it. This improvised production number took off not only on "Dear Mr. Gable" but its DAMES AT SEA parody "Dear Mr. Roosevelt/Sailor Of My Dreams." We picked a President least likely to get musical comedy fan mail -- unaware then that Mrs. Wilson intercepted Woody's mail and ran the country from his sickbed.

 
DEVIL-MAY-CARE (HAYWIRE, 2005 - sheet music)
Kevin Remington and Tim Wilkins needed a flashy opening number for their leading lady in HAYWIRE, their cutthroat sendup of Sixties' slasher films. Immediately after singing this, she picks up an axe and decapitates her husband and his squeeze. You get the picture.

 
DON'T GET KILLED (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1978, THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990, lyric Andy Borowitz)
The crown jewel of NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, the ultimate showbiz revue (written and performed as Harvard undergrads -- it made FORBIDDEN BROADWAY look like, well, a college show). The experts are still arguing the difference between parody and pastiche -- the difference is "Don't Get Killed," a mordant duet in which two lovers make one eensie-weensie request of the other. New York debut: FAB and Toni DiBuono in THE TWO SVENGALIS, replaced by "You Don't Have To Have Me" ("Don't Get Killed" will be a bonus track on the SVENGALIS album).

 
DON'T GIVE ME A SONG & DANCE (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz – sheet music)
FAB had the title, and AB found a place for it in the 130th Harvard Hasty Pudding Theatricals show, which it stopped; introduced by Steve Gideon playing a musical-theatre-spouting obsessive, the song consists entirely of famous songtitles strung together (an old idea, but we thought we did it rather well). Sung by FAB for years at Theatre-By-The-Sea and in his first cabaret show in New York. Recorded by Steve Gideon on the LP of A THOUSAND CLONES.

 
DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO MY MAN (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
The first of a trilogy of songs depicting Toni DiBuono's simultaneous rise to stardom and self-extraction from an abusive marriage; replaced "Half As Good, Twice As Much." Sophie Tucker-styled honky-tonk.

 
DON'T TOUCH ME (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983)
An eccentric specialty, satirizing members of recent generations who confuse sex with sexism. Recorded by FAB on the MISS GULCH RETURNS album.

 
EVERYONE WORTH TAKING (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983 – sheet music)
The centerpiece of MISS GULCH RETURNS and FAB's personal favorite to date. Bittersweet social commentary and a humorous/haunting lament for the romantically disenfranchised. Part I is the bitter pill; Part II (sung 45 minutes later in the show) is a philosophical commentary on the first. Recorded by FAB on the MISS GULCH RETURNS album, and by Deian McBryde on his "Love And Other Distractions" album.

 
A GIRL CAN'T MAKE A LIVING ANYMORE (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyrics Jackie Osherow/Andy Borowitz/Fred Barton)
We had a little fight about the lyrics, and nobody won, but it provided Steve Gideon with a scandalous opening number as a streetwalker put out of work by 21st century gadgetry (written five years before the advent of the commercial VCR). FAB's favorite contribution: "I've been cooking the curb -- looking superb." Recorded by Steve Gideon on the THOUSAND CLONES Harvard LP.


GIVE MY BEST TO THE BLONDE (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983 – sheet music)
The ultimate, friendly, philosophical goodbye to a self-justifying, departing lover. A tour de force, up-tempo and tricky in tune and tone. Written to replace Comden-Green-Styne's "If You Hadn't But You Did," after the few interpolated numbers in MISS GULCH RETURNS were replaced by originals. Recorded by FAB on the MISS GULCH RETURNS album.

 
HOW COME IT'S NEVER IN THE PAPERS (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1978, lyrics Andy Borowitz/Fred Barton)
Originally written by FAB at 16 for his first professional assignment, a political roast for Jack Anderson in Washington, D.C., the lyric was recast by Borowitz as a specialty for David S. Brown in our Harvard showbiz satire NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.

 
I CAN BE AN ICON TOO (MISS GULCH RETURNS!, 2004 – sheet music)
This showstopping hot swing patter song was written for the 20th Anniversary production of MISS GULCH RETURNS!, and down came that house. This is for performers for whom it's not enough to be a mere star.

 
I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY MEN (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
A huge swing Dolores Gray-style production number for Toni DiBuono in SVENGALIS, topping the nightclub-to-stardom montage and replacing "Half As Good, Twice As Much." A breezy warning to an inattentive lover.

 
I TOLD YOU ALL ALONG (Miscellaneous Song, 1983)
Originally used in MISS GULCH RETURNS and cut when "Give My Best To The Blonde" replaced Comden-Green-Styne's "If You Hadn't But You Did." Dark, slow comedy song sung by a defensive romantic rejectee.

 
I WANT A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL BLONDE (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1999 – sheet music)
Burlesque up-tempo for a top banana, written to replace "No, I'm The Top" as FAB's character song in SVENGLALIS. Fast, loud, and funny.


I WAS AFRAID TO ASK (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz/Fred Barton)
A soft-shoe charm song for two extra-terrestrials who have come to Earth to see if the humans have cracked the reproduction mystery (you had to be there). Recorded on the THOUSAND CLONES Harvard LP.


I WISH I WERE A KID AGAIN/YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz – sheet music)
Two-part counterpoint on the comparative advantages and disadvantages of a second childhood, written for a broken-down broker and his secretary running away to join the circus. An FAB favorite and destined for recycling; written in swing ragtime for the "1912 Circus Musical."


I WOUND UP A TOY (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
What else do you write for a leading lady who hides from the Feds in an abandoned toy factory? This is a haunting jazz waltz ballad.


I'D LIKE TO EXAMINE YOU FURTHER (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Fred Barton/Andy Borowitz)
Seduction song for a mad laboratory scientist, written in ersatz sci-fi laced with Dixieland; FAB performed the routine for several years as special material at the Theatre-By-The-Sea Cabaret. Recorded by Paul Jackal on the THOUSAND CLONES Harvard LP.


I'D LOVE TO LOVE SOMEONE (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
Toni DiBuono's opening number in THE TWO SVENGALIS, written in honky-tonk cornball with unexpectedly demonic wordplay and a killer punchline. Jay Rogers performed this frequently during the Golden Age at Eighty-Eights. I intended it to be bad, and people like it more than some of the ones I intended to be good.


I'LL NEVER GET OVER YOU (Miscellaneous Song, 1995 – sheet music)
Straightforward contemporary ballad for a rejected lover pretending to be "just friends."


I'M A BITCH (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983 – sheet music)
Written for and introduced by the divine Amy Aquino in OH NO, NO NET at Harvard; three months later FAB played Miss Gulch/The Wicked Witch in Theatre-by-the-Sea's THE WIZARD OF OZ, and happened into the late-night cabaret in costume with this song in tow. The rest is history. Recorded by FAB on the MISS GULCH RETURNS album.


I'M OF TWO MINDS (WHOOP-DEE-DOO, 1992)
Commissioned by WHOOP-DEE-DOO mastermind Philip George as a metaphor for the sudden "bisexual" trend, originally for a Howard Crabtree Siamese-Twin costume. I suggested instead a man with two heads; the song was featured in the London production of WHOOP-DEE-DOO. Two heads sticking out of a single torso sing a parody of "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off," comparing (and influencing) their competing proclivities.


I'M THE QUEEN AND YOU'RE NOT (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
Originally written for Judy Milstein in Theatre-by-the-Sea's ALICE IN WONDERLAND, I wrote an all-new lyric for Toni DiBuono's more metaphorical Queen in THE TWO SVENGALIS. Performed to great acclaim by FAB in Australia, where they have Queen issues. A sure-fire show-stopper all over town in the hands of Toni DiBuono.


I'M YOUR BITCH (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983)
An up-tempo version of "I'm A Bitch," written for Miss Gulch's tempestuous seduction. Recorded by FAB on the MISS GULCH RETURNS album.


I'M YOUR NEW MAMA NOW (HAYWIRE, 2005 – sheet music)
This predatory Sixties shuffle was written for Kevin Remington and Tim Wilkins' play HAYWIRE, a saucy send-up of the Joan Crawford slasher films of the 1960's. It's vaguely in the style of "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'."


I'VE GOT STOCK IN YOU (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1978, OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
Even stockbrokers need love songs; double-entendre in Wall Street lingo and svelte swing.


IS THERE A MAN IN THE HOUSE? (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
Added to SVENGALIS in 1993 as one of three songs to replace "Half As Good, Twice As Much." Broad comic Broadway, introduced by Toni DiBuono.


IT'S NOT MY IDEA OF A GIG (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983 – sheet music)
Inspired by the phenomenon that used to occur nightly twenty years ago at Marie's Crisis -- "62 men and me singing 'Over The Rainbow.'" Recorded by FAB on the MISS GULCH RETURNS album; oddly enough, even though the phenomenon it describes is ancient history, this is still the second-most requested song from MISS GULCH RETURNS.


LET'S BE AMERICAN TODAY (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric by Jackie Osherow)
Two extraterrestrials trying to mix with the common folk. The star of the number was costume designer Lindsay Davis, whose American headdresses bedecked with eagles and flags shamed BEACH BLANKET BABYLON. I wrote the tune at 14 as the title song for an attic production called ALL IN A DAY'S WORK. Recorded on the Harvard LP of A THOUSAND CLONES.


LET'S DO THE APOCALYPSO (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric by Andy Borowitz)
Act One Finale for a bomb-wielding, dancing villain. We were told to showcase the villain, and for perhaps the last time in our respectively colorful careers, we did what we were told. Recorded on the Harvard LP A THOUSAND CLONES.


LET'S NOT (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric by Jackie Osherow/Fred Barton)
Jackie Osherow wrote light verse, and if you've heard HOUSE OF FLOWERS, you know that poets-turned-lyricists are a composer's bete noir. She light-versified, I light-swingified, and somehow the house came down with this answer to "Let's Do It." Recorded by Bruce Cranston and David Merrill on the Harvard THOUSAND CLONES LP.


THE LIBERTY JITTERBUG (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric by Andy Borowitz)
A production number set at a Washington, D.C. Congressional affair (when that meant a cocktail party with music). Andy's lyric was phenomenally ingenious, which makes his success in unrelated fields seem even more tragic.


THE LOVER AFTER ME (Miscellaneous Song, 1980 – sheet music)
I embarked upon my New York career with the darkest, most straightforward contemporary ballad I've written since; a lover's awareness that he/she will become a subject of conversation for his/her eventual successor.


THE MAGIC'S GONE (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
Ironic 11:00 number written for an incompetent Circus magician.


MEET THE GREATEST ACTRESS IN THE WORLD (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990)
Final duet between the two Svengalis in THE TWO SVENGALIS. The music progresses in period as the show continues; and in advanced swing counterpoint, he accuses her of being -- exactly what he created.


MOTH HEART SONG, THE (WHOOP-DEE-DOO, 1992)
Never used in the show. WHOOP-DEE-DOO was at its best when it sold gay metaphor (dramatized by outrageous costumes). It was merely so-so-OK when it settled for accompanying its costumes with no metaphor at all, as in the Moth number. I was so annoyed, I finally wrote what the Moth number should have been -- a metaphor for a plain-Jane (or John) fascinated with a flashy flame and getting burned.


NATALIE (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
A genre pastiche of the Jerry Herman leading-lady glorification production number. Hundreds of "Natalie" rhymes, if you can imagine. The slightly haunting honky-tonk tune later became the basis for "Everyone Worth Taking" in MISS GULCH RETURNS.


NO ONE'S CHECKING ME OUT (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz)
The librarian's lament -- heavily topical at library-endowed Harvard College.


NO, I'M THE TOP (THE SCHIZO SONG) (ON THE LAM, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz – sheet music)
A truly demonic parody of Cole Porter's "You're The Top," written as a tour de force with both of the singer's personalities singing to each other (a notion Maury Yeston also hit on in Guido's opening number in NINE). FAB sang "No, I'm The Top" in his first NYC club acts, and it became the original introductory song for FAB in THE TWO SVENGALIS, later replaced by "I Want A Great Big Beautiful Blonde."


NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz)
The ultimate showbiz revue's title song, satirizing the propensity of showbiz folk to thank long lists of inappropriate people for their success. The title refers to the stand-up comic's ancient addendum to almost any utterance.


NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz)
This literary title was applied to a low-down rag sung by futuristic denizens driven into what my generation used to call "fall-out shelters." Recorded on the Harvard LP.


OH NO, NO NET! (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
The silent-movie-esque Act One Finale to the 1912 Circus Musical, in which the "I'm-A-Bitch" villainess severs the net while the leading-lady aerialist performs. Somehow we knew our showbiz and we weren't even in it yet.


ONE IN A MILLION (Miscellaneous Song, 1995, lyric Mark Waldrop)
WHOOP-DEE-DOO lyricist Mark Waldrop and I wrote this as the opening number for an NYC benefit featuring a number of TV soap stars. The lyric was an ironic portrait of the travails of those who come to the Big City for a break. I don't know who all those Beautiful People were, but I hear the number went well.


PARTY GIRL (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
This big-band specialty was introduced by Toni DiBuono in THE TWO SVENGALIS. Originally a plot-required throw-away, Toni consistently stopped the show with it, forcing me to write an extra chorus and big finish (and I thought she was my friend). The newly-elongated "Party Girl," recorded with Toni DiBuono and full orchestra, is featured as a bonus track on the MISS GULCH RETURNS CD re-release.


POUR ME A MAN (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983 – sheet music)
This is the big one -- written in a wretched hotel room in Hollwood, CA., and now being sung in cabarets around the world. I originally wrote it on spec for Mel Brooks and the producers of a Michael Keaton film called JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY; fortunately, they never heard it and it became the inspiration for MISS GULCH RETURNS. Recorded by FAB on the MISS GULCH RETURNS album, and by Amy Armstrong on her debut CD. Part One is a pastiche of the "Handy Man" genre of double-entendre songs; Part Two is the flip side.


SANTA WON'T SELL (Miscellaneous Song, 1999)
Written as special material for my oldest showbiz friend, Michael McGrath, with whom I started in summer stock at age 18; it depicts your average smarmy Hollywood producer trying to package a marketing gimmick named Santa for the masses, in hot swing.


SECOND-GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH, THE (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
The opening number of OH NO, NO NET, introducing a circus with an inferiority complex.


SEND IN THE CLONES (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz)
Only the title was a parody; the rest was a routine kickline production number (recorded on the Harvard LP).


SINCE IT'S HALF AS GOOD AS THEY SAY, I WANT TWICE AS MUCH AS I'VE GOT (Miscellaneous, 1986 – sheet music)
A fiendishly long three-verse patter specialty describing a frustrated romantic making up in quantity what she finds lacking in the quality of her dubious encounters. Sophisticated swing jazz accompanies the mathematically suspect equations; the song requires an octave-and-a-half and a high belt. Introduced by Toni DiBuono in THE TWO SVENGALIS, and replaced by the trilogy of "Don't Make Me Go Back To My Man," "Is There A Man In The House," and "I Guess I'll Have To Go Back to My Men." (To be recorded as a bonus track on the SVENGALIS album).

 
STAR QUALITY (Miscellaneous Song, 1993, lyric Peter Morris)
James Beaman replaced Tommy Femia in WHOOP-DEE-DOO, and thus required a Lauren Bacall spectacular to replace Tommy's Garland number. Peter Morris and I whipped this up overnight and James has been performing it ever since. It's cheesy Bacall swing, showcasing her worst notes, and offering a contemptuous commentary on the decline of the commodity mentioned in the title.


STICKING TOGETHER (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1978, OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
Twenty years ahead of our time, we wrote this as a comic team song for a pair of Siamese Twins, never dreaming Broadway audiences would some day be required to take such a notion seriously.


STIR-CRAZY (OH NO, NO NET!, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
Just a big old loud production number with a bunch of circus performers springing one of their own out of the clink.


STREETS OF NEW YORK, THE (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz)
Ah, youth! We scoffed at mere parody of this song or that, and aspired to genre parody -- entire categories of song traditions were our target. This production number tackled that notorious cliché, the city-life glorification. Ours addressed the precise chemical composition of the asphalt, concrete, and curbstone.


SUFFOCATED LADY (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
Then again, song parody can come in handy too. This is a word-for-word, phrase-by-phrase, chord-by-chord parody of Duke Ellington's unsingable masterpiece, a scathing commentary offered by one Svengali about the other in THE TWO SVENGALIS.


T.V. LOVE (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz)
The obligatory Hasty Pudding Theatricals Fifties' parody, recorded on the Harvard LP of A THOUSAND CLONES.


TAKE ME, PLEASE (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983)
The opening number of MISS GULCH RETURNS, although cut on the original album. Musically, it's a Kander/Ebb pastiche, with a sophisticated lyric introducing the central theme of romantic envy in MISS GULCH RETURNS; newly-recorded as a bonus track on the MISS GULCH RETURNS re-release.


THERE'S A STRING TIED TO A GOOD TIME (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990 – sheet music)
Originally written for super-diva Nora Mae Lyng, it is now (at the behest of Toni DiBuono) FAB's summation at the end of THE TWO SVENGALIS. "String Tied" is a contemporary ballad with a killer punchline, and of all FAB songs, it is the single most likely to succeed. A number of cabaret singers have picked it up.


THOUSAND CLONES, A (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Jackie Osherow)
A 2-beat Broadway production number elaborating the advantages of precise reproduction over its notorious alternative. Recorded on the Harvard LP of the show.

TOO MANY TO LOVE (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz)
We were instructed to write a torch song for a leading lady whose lover has been laboratory-reproduced 999 times (the lesson: be ready for just about anything). Happily, I salvaged the tune for "It's Not My Idea For A Gig" in MISS GULCH RETURNS. Recorded on the Harvard LP of "Clones."


TRYING TO REMEMBER (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz – sheet music)
We were faced with a leading lady who habitually forgot her lyrics, and plied her with this patter song about a singer who habitually forgets her lyrics. You guessed it -- she never forgot them once.


V.D. TELETHON SONG (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, 1979, lyric Andy Borowitz)
In our innocent pre-AIDS era, we thought the idea of a V.D. Telethon was funny -- which is proof that you can't be always right all of the time.


WELCOME TO THE THEATRE (I+II) (ON THE LAM, 1979, THE TWO SVENGALIS, 1990, "On The Lam" lyric Andy Borowitz, "Svengalis" lyric by Fred Barton – sheet music)
Originally a spectacular hidden triple-counterpoint number, this is now a formidable duo-counterpoint for the Two Svengalis in THE TWO SVENGALIS at their moment of Broadway triumph. FAB sang this with longtime-partner Sue Scannell in his first NYC club acts.


YESTERDAY'S TOMORROW IS TODAY'S TODAY (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz, Jackie Osherow, and Fred Barton)
A jaunty ragtime to introduce an ersatz futuristic musical. As for the philosophy-laced lyric, I was a Proust-reading French major at Harvard -- what can I say. Recorded on the Harvard recording of a A THOUSAND CLONES with Paul Jackal and Willie Falk.


YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ME (THE TWO SVENGALIS, 2000)
The answer song to "I'd Love to Love Someone," it replaces "Don't Get Killed" in THE TWO SVENGALIS.


YOU'RE QUITE A SPECIMEN (A THOUSAND CLONES, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz & Fred Barton)
The word "specimen" had been rhymed singly (I think by Johnny Mercer) but I got a triple in there: "You're quite a specimen, look what a mess I'm in, guess I'm in love with you." With that and a dollar in change, I had cabfare to NYC.


YOU'RE THE WOMAN I'D WANNA BE (MISS GULCH RETURNS, 1983)
One of the crown jewels of MISS GULCH RETURNS: a crypto-homosexual's come-on to his ultimate fag-hag. This eight-minute tract led to an eight-second costume change, and the game was afoot. Recorded on the MISS GULCH RETURNS album.


YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING/I WISH I WERE A KID AGAIN (OH NO, NO NET!, 1978, lyric Andy Borowitz – sheet music)
An untypically wistful -- and typically witty -- Borowitz lyric pitted a nostalgic broker against his acid secretary in an argument over the advantages of childhood. This duet will see the light of day again (won't we all?)